Some of the ‘sad’ thoughts..and feelings


Remember the imaginary name Bella? I’m bringing that girl and another great friend of mine here..who was a great friend, actually. We all broke up..sort of..atleast the second girl and me were completely torn. Still had some sort of relation with Bella. I started to write my thoughts as notes on my mobile, since I now hated to write stuff in a diary, or in my laptop. I’m sharing some of those here..

~ I feel so sick! I miss the way back life of the three of us. And I’d write the names together here, even though I know what the ‘three of us’ mean. Rupal, Bella, .. ! It’s the first time my eyes filled up..the first after we’ve all taken a turn in different directions.

It’s just been 8 days and it feels like forever. The hole hurts! 😦

~ I wanted to message her (Bella). And I had the chance, because it was still dark (like she said last night) – not even the first ray of sunlight had reached the city. It was cool enough to drive a bicycle at 5.10 in the morning of October. Home felt good, but I hate the fact that I’ve to goto school!

~ What happened yesterday (falling apart from Bella) doesn’t make me feel at all that you’re gone. I did not cry today, though I wanted to. It’s one of my wishes! At times, I feel my heart is so vague. It doesn’t even realise what has happened..and that it should be hurt, but maybe it’s because this is what I wanted. But I want the pain of separation, lonliness and incompleteness. I wanna cry..I wanna cry a lot! But these tears they won’t come. They fill up my eyes and go. Maybe it’s the result of the positivity that I once possessed, that is early this year. But the day I’ll cry so bad, I’ll feel good, to feel sad. My friends, homework, tuition, and guitar are keeping me busy. So maybe, that is why I had a happy day altogether, but the pain is yet to come. I am waiting for it. I am waiting for the Diwali break. I’ll be free, with nothing to do, so I’ll feel the pain. I just wish Bella and I do not talk until Diwali atleast, so that the pain should keep on intensifying inside and building up and strike me all together!

~I cried. I’m alone at home and it’s 7 pm. It felt so good to feel the tears crawl on my face. I just wanted to cry and cry..it was really dark throughout the house and I chose the lobby- just a little light from the kitchen. It’s so hard for me to cry. The moment my fill up, and the tears begin to form, there’s a happiness- that I’m crying, but this happiness stops the tears. So, I throw my smile away, and try to cry again..! Crying is the best thing! I like pain..lonliness!

~Wish I could talk to you, and see you, or maybe, just be with you..and not talk. But these feelings make me feel that it’s better than to die.

~It’s good that I’m weak. I’ll have to face the pain sooner. The bad part is, that I know I have the option to message her (Bella) anytime I feel like. That gives me relief, which I don’t really want!

~Your sight..it’s so great! It’s aweful when we come accross each other, but it’s all the way better when I am looking at you and you’re not aware. You are just you..not pretending that my presence affects you, that is..if it does! (Not Bella..mine and Bella’s common best friend..who’s no more even a friend)

~Life’s not that worth to keep living. Mm..guess that’s what I want to feel anyway!

~I don’t want this life. God, erase me. Like I never existed..because I don’t want to hurt the people I know. Now I want this to end. There are reasons to live, but more reasons not to live.

~I hate life. / I am expecting it to be you. But it isn’t you.  And so I’m still waiting for your message. / I don’t want this life. Why should I live it then? / Seems like it was minutes ago, we were talking! / I’m on my way to tuition and I’m feeling like turning around but I must not. I am feeling nervous- the way people do on their first day. / I’m almost there and I hate this fact! I don’t wanna goto tuition. / Weak. /  Ehh..don’t know why you’re (Bella) not replying. Maybe you’re sleeping right now..maybe you’re just tired! Well, just take care!

~I miss the way we used to wait for each other every single day, and then finally one of us would give up- I don’t remember if it was always you or me, but that doesn’t matter. Do you know your smile is so beautiful..so flawless? You might make fun of me..or I might end up doing that..but still, your smile is great! (Bella and mine common best friend, no more a friend..*sigh*)

~I was so excited to see the fog. But then it fell apart! What’s the use to be happy? This december won’t be the same- they won’t be the best days of the year!

~I started dreaming like you do. And you told me the reality. My heart is aching and I sort of wanna cry! I should have never spent a happy day yesterday. It was a mistake to do that, since it brought to my imaginative world. But I guess it’s good in a way because I come back to the reality with more pain!

~68 days left in this year! Will I be alive before I turn 100? WHy do 100 days look like a big question to me? Death? yes, I’m afraid..but what if my daeth is decided? And that too in these 100 days? So much of a mess! I’ve turned my life into a mess.

~Feeling out of life. Today, I was moved when I saw her (Bella and mine common best friend). I stood there for half a minute, and I would have stayed there longer- breaking into tears perhaps, if I weren’t with my friends and classmates!

That’s all. It was written in the course of two-three months!

Rupal

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