Hey guys! Been long..really long I believe! I did post once in between, but that wasn’t enough.
I’m posting tonight, just for one reason..I have thoughts that I can’t really tell anyone, so I thought it was better to let them out here! Life’s been quite off line..I guess! Things have changed quite a lot, and I have changed too! *Heavy Sigh* I’ll let them out in brief first..I like it better that way, at the moment.
1. I’ve been busy ENOUGH with my studies, and I haven’t felt the need to post here. So I didn’t.
2. School feels like shit! I don’t fit there..and thinking it this way, makes it even harder.
3. There’s one connection I’ve felt with the girl that I posted about once on Facebook. Some of my friends would remember that I posted about the happy girl from my tuition!
4. We are not getting those Christmas holidays! [This irritates me like hell!!]
5. There’s a class party I don’t feel like attending.
6. A dream that I had last night,
and I might add random stuff in between..if there’s anything!
So, first of all those! My exams have been going on since 8th December, opening up with the Science practicals. I’ve given Social Science, Science, and English till date, in addition to the practical. Just Maths and Hindi to go..the ones I suck at! Planning to do better in Maths this time..will be really studying the next two days..and probably tonight as well. And since long, I’ve not really felt the need to sit and write on a blog. Maybe it wasn’t bugging me to keep my thoughts inside, but it’s feels so heavy today!
Second of them, school. *Sigh* That’s really not the place for me. I am not one of those who’ll like to be taught with the kind of teachers that we have, well, not with most of them. I don’t like to see all those stupid smiling and laughing faces. It’s fine..no problems that they are happy, but I just don’t wanna see their faces, I wanna hide myself! Can’t hold it inside. That’s all I’d like to write about….
Third. *Heavy Sigh of Sadness*. The topic I should have written about first, but I guess I just wrote the order randomly! Anyway..I went to tuition today..just to see her..just like I did yesterday! I don’t feel like going to tuition since the day that stupid incident happened I don’t wanna talk about [Don’t even ask me!]..but she drives me there. So happy-all the time! Makes it hard for me believe that there can be someone so happy! Today, it was different..it felt like she was looking at me [well..she was..but not for long durations ofcourse], whenever Sir would be teaching something, I’d once in a while change my position to look at her..see what she’s upto! Sir asks her a lot of questions..in chemistry..mostly because she’s weak at it! And today was the first time that I honestly hated Sir was doing this..I don’t know why! I always liked it before, ’cause she would improve in Chem..and score better! And she was all sad then..not knowing the answers..it broke me down! I couldn’t see her sad..that was not in my imagination! I once dreamt her sad..but when I woke up, I was happy that it was just a dream!
She keeps on commenting on me..but I like it! I like it, and I hate it! Mostly, because many of her comments are negative..and her words hurt me! She talks to me many times, and I like it..but I hate it..because she doesn’t respect my thoughts! Till date, she’s only agreed with me on one thing–that India is a worthless country!
You know what? She even put her head down on the table..and that disturbed me the most..what was up with her? Did she want to cry? Probably not. Then, she must have been convincing herself that she must be happy again. But I couldn’t see that same happiness in her..*sigh*. I hope now, she’s fine..and tomorrow [most probably, she’ll drive me to the tuition once again!], that is, if I go, I’ll like to see her smile! The real one!
No, I’m not in love. But I’ll say I like her a bit!
Fourth and fifth, the christmas holidays! Today, after giving our English exam, we had to stay back! Everyone was hoping it’ll be for the class party. I was like, the only one hoping not! I really didn’t wanna attend it. The last one was great! Not that great, but it was good enough to be remembered for a month or so. But this time, everything is so different, and specially different from my eyes..so much has changed in one year..it disheartens me, you know! Yes, I might look like an idiot who can not move on with time..but let’s say you don’t know what it feels like, if you don’t respect this feeling of mine! I have been thinking that I’ll enjoy after the exams..a lot..but today, we were told that on the next day of our last exam, that is 22nd, on 23rd, we have a class party. And from 24th (to 29th), we have our extra classes! The syllabus is over, a preboard (much like the final exams, but at school level, and considered to be harder than the Boards which is at national levl) has been given, there’s another preboard, and now why the f**k should we attend some bloody one hour classes, five a day, that too for a week? Sick! Not even a christmas holiday! What if it’s a Christian festival? It means something to me..I like this festival!! And so must be the case with many others, but why should the care, right? Argh..damnit!!
Let’s just not talk about it now!
Next, sixth, the dream! Oh well, I’ll just tell you whatever I remember, and I’ll be very honest here.
It goes like– Me and some of my friends (I seem to recall that they were of my class) are sitting somewhere…it’s not at school, it’s at some other place. We are with a teacher..who’s come with us to guide us [For what? I don’t remember] Then three of the classmates (or all of them I guess) go to the teacher who’s sitting at a distance, and ask him something. He probably speaks, in reply, something about me, and then the students..*sigh*..they grumble loudly that they hate me..that I’m not good! I could hear this part sitting inside, clearly! It pained me..then they came back..I welcomed them with a smile..fake ofcourse..and we talked normally as we did!
So, why did I see this dream, right? Well, sometime before the exams, I took an unofficial break from school, say of about a week. So, during that week’s Maths Lab class, a discussion picked about me. Damnit..it was a negative one! A girl said that I don’t respect my parents [Huh? How does she know if I respect my parents or not? She’s not my cousin sis or someone] and one of them said that I pretend that I am sad, and that I wanna stay away from them. Yeah, the second half is true. I wanna stay away from them, but I don’t pretend! I hate to pretend [but sometimes, I have no option]. So, basically, it terrified me that this was my image infront of the class..and it’s been killing me since that day. And till date, it’s hard for me to look at them, and talk to them like before..
Alright now, bye bye!
Hope you had a good time reading a destoyed life! =/
And Bella, I miss you! Why is your phone mostly switched off? And why don’t you reply?
I’ve even stopped texting you now..I’ve lost hope! 😦